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Old 06-04-2017, 07:32 PM   #1246
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Old 06-07-2017, 02:21 PM   #1247
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Hillary phoned the president's office shortly after midnight. “I need to talk to the president, it’s an emergency!”, exclaimed Hillary.

















































After some cajoling, the president’s assistant agreed to wake him up. “So, what is it that’s so important that it can’t wait until morning?”, grumbled Trump.



























“A Supreme Court Justice just died, and I want to take his place.”, begged Hillary.



























“Well, it’s OK with me if it’s OK with the mortuary.”, replied President Trump.
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Old 06-08-2017, 04:37 PM   #1248
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A ship carrying red paint collided with another ship carrying blue paint. Both crews were marooned.
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Old 06-08-2017, 04:38 PM   #1249
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A blonde is excitedly texting everybody she knows: "Whoo-hoo! I just finished putting a jigsaw puzzle together, and it only took me two days! Can you believe it! I'm going to be in the Guinness Book! Yeah!"

One of her friends texted back: "Y R U so excited? Doesn't sound like a big deal."

She responded, "I smashed the record! It says 3 to 6 years on the box!"
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Old 06-08-2017, 04:53 PM   #1250
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What's the difference between a well dressed guy on a bicycle and a poorly dressed guy on a unicycle?

Attire
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Old 06-08-2017, 05:09 PM   #1251
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One good blonde joke deserves a similar blonde joke:

A blonde fills her car up at an open all night service station.The next day she returned with her car towed and furiously told the owner "I want my money back.I drove my car for 8 straight hours and I ran out of gas"

The owner says "Well, what did you expect , if you drive that many hours, your tank will go empty"

The blonde points to the filling station's entrance and says "Your sign says 24 hour gas!"
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Old 06-15-2017, 05:58 PM   #1252
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I've started holding weekly meetings at my house for the local O.C.D. club. I'm hoping they'll take one look around and start cleaning!
---------------------------


asked my wife, "Since when do you have a weekly visit to the gynecologist?" She replied, "Ever since he came down with Parkinson's!"
--------------------------


A blonde phoned to book a flight. The clerk asked, "How many passengers are flying with you?" She said, "How do I know? It's your plane!"

--------------------------------

My girlfriend yelled at me, "Stick it in!" I did. "Thrust hard!" I did. "Don't stop!" Finally, I said, "I know how to unclog a toilet!"

------------------------------------

A waiter delivered a customer's meal. "Why is your thumb on my steak!?" The waiter said, "I didn't want it to fall on the floor again.
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Old 06-15-2017, 06:48 PM   #1253
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Thank you all for such a large turnout to this month's meeting of Plastic Surgery Anonymous.
I see a lot of new faces in here tonight.
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Old 06-17-2017, 01:54 AM   #1254
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Trump visits an African country and they present him with a young chimpanzee. The beast is tame and rides with Trump in Air Force 1. They land at home. "What should I do with the chimpanzee?"

“Take him to the zoo, sir.”

The next day Trump takes the chimpanzee in the limo to the zoo.

He comes back and the chimp is still in the limo. "I thought you took him to the zoo?" asks his personal assistant.

"I did. We had a terrific time. Tomorrow we’re going to Six Flags.”
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Old 06-23-2017, 04:17 PM   #1255
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Heard on the radio

A man calls a sanitation engineer to get his septic tank pumped out. The truck rolls up, the guy gets out and goes to work.

"You look familiar," says the homeowner.

"Yeah," says the guy, "I remember you."

"From where?"

"I used to be a psychiatrist. You were one of my patients."

"You mean you gave up being a psychiatrist to do this?" says the homeowner. "Why?"

"I got tired of dealing with other people's shit."
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Old 06-27-2017, 02:12 PM   #1256
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Hello?"

"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says,

"But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause.

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the
table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy
that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on
the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he
jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he
didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it.

He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?....... Is this 486-5731?"
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Old 06-27-2017, 02:16 PM   #1257
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A young man goes into the Job Center in downtown Los Angeles and sees a card
advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.

Interested, he goes to learn more; 'Can you give me more details?' he asks
the clerk.

The clerk pulls up the file and says, 'The job entails getting the ladies
ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their
underwear, help them lie down comfortably, carefully wash their Personal and
Private area, apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in
soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.

There's an annual salary of $65,000, but you're going to have to go to
Albuquerque , New Mexico . That's about 620 miles from here.'

'Good grief, is that where the job is?'

'No sir --- that's where the end of the line is right now.
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Old 06-27-2017, 06:09 PM   #1258
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An older man finishes up his romantic encounter with a very young girl he picked up at a bar.

"Am I your first one?" he asks her?
"Could be." she replies.
"You do look kinda familiar."
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Old 06-28-2017, 11:48 PM   #1259
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you know you're drunk when you come home late at night, put some food in the microwave and enter your PIN number.
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Old 08-06-2017, 10:57 AM   #1260
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A man who had lived all his life in the city bought a home way out in the sticks.His neighbor comes over and introduces himself , telling him, "Around here when someone new moves in, there's always a welcome party.And not just any party.This party involves a lot of drinking, a lot of drugging, maybe some fighting and definitely plenty of hot, all night sex"

The city guy says, "Hey, that sounds great.Who's going to be at the party?"

Grinning, the country guy replies, "Just you and me, buddy."
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