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Old 09-15-2019, 06:43 PM   #1486
ldiatone
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A taxi was driving down the high street when the passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, narrowly missing pedestrians and stopped just short of a shop window.
Everything went quiet in the cab then the driver said: "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologised and said he didn't realise that a little tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied: "Sorry, it's not really your fault.
Today is my first day as a cab driver ..... ......

I've been driving hearses for the last 25 years."
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Old 09-21-2019, 07:56 PM   #1487
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Barbie Turns 50

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Battle is the most magnificent competition in which a human being can indulge. It brings out all that is best; it removes all that is base. All men are afraid in battle. The coward is the one who lets his fear overcome his sense of duty. Duty is the essence of manhood.
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Old 10-04-2019, 01:29 PM   #1488
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A man walks into a bar. As he sits down, he looks up and notices three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender, “What’s with the meat?”

The bartender says, “If you can jump up and slap all three pieces at once, you get free drinks for an hour. If you miss even one, you have to pay for everyone else’s drinks for the rest of the night. Wanna give it a go?”

The man takes another look at the meat, then says, “I think I’ll pass. The steaks are too high.”
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Old 10-14-2019, 07:24 PM   #1489
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Brenda made an appointment to see her doctor, because she was worried about her husband's bad temper.
Doctor Thomas asked "What's the problem?"
Brenda replied "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband Jimmy seems to lose his temper for no reason. It's beginning to scare me."
The Doctor said "I have a cure for that. When it seems that he's getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.
Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."
Two weeks later Brenda returned to the doctor looking fresh and happy.
She said "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down!
How does a glass of water do that?"
Dr Thomas replied "The water itself does nothing..............



It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."
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Old 10-14-2019, 07:30 PM   #1490
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Ever tried eating a clock? It's very time consuming.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why can't you hear when a pterodactyl is using the bathroom?

because the p is silent

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The more I get to know people, the more I understand why Noah only allowed animals to enter his ark.

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Abraham, do you pray before your meal?

- Beg your pardon? Sarah is cooking very well!

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Did you know they won't be making yardsticks any longer?

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Why did the Siamese twins move to England?

So the other one could drive!
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Old 10-15-2019, 10:20 PM   #1491
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a pair of potato's are dancing....which one is loose?....I da ho...
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got handed a lemon...make lemonade....add sugar or brown sugar or stevia or my personal favorite....miracle fruit....google it...thank me later...
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Old 10-16-2019, 10:32 AM   #1492
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A piece of string goes into a bar and orders a beer.
"We don't serve string in here," says the bartender.
"Are you a piece of string?"

"No, I'm afraid not."

ba dum
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Old 10-16-2019, 10:55 AM   #1493
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An electron goes into a bar, starts talking to the bartender,

"My wife left me, I lost my job and my dog bit the mailman today"

Bartender says,

"Why so negative?"
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Old 10-17-2019, 08:00 AM   #1494
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A daughter calls her mother and says "I'm divorcing Nathan. All he wants is sex, sex and more sex."
My vagina is now the size of a 50-cent piece. when it used to be the size of a 5-cent piece.

Her mother says:

"You are married to a multi-millionaire. You live in a mansion. You drive a Ferrari. You get all the money. You take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away for 45-cents?
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Old 10-25-2019, 06:05 PM   #1495
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Here comes Chuckie!

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Old 10-26-2019, 06:34 PM   #1496
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Neil – Hey Amy
Amy – Yea Neil
Neil – What did the Skelton order for dinner?
Amy – I don’t know Neil
Neil – Spare Ribs!
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Old 11-11-2019, 04:15 PM   #1497
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Daniel and Jessica, a young couple, got married and went happily on their honeymoon.
When they got back, Jessica immediately 'phoned her mother and her mother obviously asked, 'How was the honeymoon, dearest?'
'Oh, Mum,' she replied, 'the honeymoon was wonderful. So romantic...'
Then Jessica burst out crying.
'But as soon as we returned home Daniel started using the most ghastly language... saying things I've never heard before!
I mean, all these awful 4-letter words!
You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Mum.'
'Calm down, Jessica!,' said her mother, 'Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?'
Still sobbing, Jessica whispered, 'Oh, Mum ...

Words like dust, wash, cook, and iron.'
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Old 11-11-2019, 04:19 PM   #1498
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Joe was a heating and cooling technician. His assistant was a small chimpanzee he had trained to do all the duct work.
The chimp had no fear of heights or confined spaces, and besides, he didn't have to be paid.

One day, he got a call from a customer who said his air conditioner had broken down.
Joe went over and discovered some defective ducting. The customer asked if it would be hard to fix.

"No problem," replied Joe, "I have a little duct ape that will take care of it!"
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Old 11-11-2019, 06:45 PM   #1499
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The dyslexic Priest announced during Mass that there would be a PETER Pull at St. Taffy's next week.
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Old 11-12-2019, 12:24 AM   #1500
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A horse walks into a bar and sits down.


Bartender asks, "Why the long face?"
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