HUMOR

[sammy the sage]

[myhorse1]

A man and a woman are sleeping together when suddenly there is a noise in the house, and the woman rolls over and says, "It's my husband, you have to leave!"

The man jumps out of bed, jumps through the window, crawls through the bushes, and out on the street, when he realizes something. He goes back to the house and says to the woman.

Wait, I'm your husband.

Now tell me why you ran!!!!

[Tom]

A man is telling his friend about his terrible Saturday night.
He was bed with a woman, having a bit of fun, when they hear the front door close.

"Oh no, it's my husband, and he has a terrible temper." the woman said.
"And he has a gun, too! quick, jump out the window."

The man climbed out and held onto the ledge with both hands, dangling out the window.

"That is terrible!" said his friend.

"No, not terrible, the man said."
"After a little while, the husband got cold and came over and slammed the window shut, right on my fingers!"

"Wow, now that was terrible!"

"No, not terrible. I hung there for another hour, when it started to rain. It was a cold rain, and the wind blew, and I was freezing out there."

"Now that is terrible"

"No, not terrible." Sometime during the rain, the husband got horny, so he and the woman went at it for while. When they were finished, he peeled of his condom, opened the window, and threw it out. Landed right on cheek, and stuck there. The he slammed the window again, right on my fingers."

"Now that was terrible!

"No, not terrible."

"Now hold on," said the friend. "You are handing out a window in your underwear, a window slammed onto you fingers, freezing in the rain, with a used condom on your cheek. Just when did your night become terrible?"

"When the sun came up, and in the light of the morning, I saw that I was hanging out the window....on the first floor! Now that was terrible!

[myhorse1]

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a word or two of thanks, she got in the car.
After resuming the journey and a bit of small talk, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
What's in the bag? asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. Got it for my husband.

The Navajo woman was silent for a long moment, and then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said, "Good trade."

[Stillriledup]

heard one from jackie the jokeman the other day

what did the lifeguard say to the hippie?

you're far out man.

https://twitter.com/jackiemartling

[Rookies]

And this one...

[Longshot6977]

Dice is an idiot, but this one is pretty good.

[magwell]

LOUD SEX

A woman went in to see a therapist and said,

'I've got a big problem, doctor.

Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell.'

'My dear,' the shrink said,'that's completely natural.

I don't see what the problem is..'

'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!'





QUIET SEX

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, 'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?'

She glanced at him and replied, 'You're never home!'

[TJDave]

Why did the chicken commit suicide?

To get to the other side.

[Nutz and Boltz]

Donald Trump is so intent on "putting America first", that he is going to rename the country" America, The United States of". [YT=""]obKLdou0LH0[/YT]

[myhorse1]

One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said,
Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you!I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.

After dinner, William's dad took him aside. Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years.

She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot.Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her.

William was heart-broken.
After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, Diane said yes! We're getting married in June.

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. Diane is your half-sister too, William.I'm awfully sorry about this.

William was furious!
He finally decided to go to his mother with the news. Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married, he complained. Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister.

His mother just shook her head. Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."

[barahona44]

A man heard about the chief of a small tribe that knew everything in the world. He went to the chief's reservation and asked him, "What did I have for breakfast on June 12, 1989?"

Without hesitating the chief replied,"Eggs".

The man said, "That's right, I remember because I was eating them, when I got a phone call telling me that my grandmother passed away. You're amazing."

A few years later, the man was traveling near the reservation and thought to himself, "I think I'll see what that chief's up to."

The man walked up to the chief, and greeted him by saying "How".

The chief said "Scrambled".

[Rookies]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price.'

HUSBAND DOWN on AISLE 7 !!!!!

[myhorse1]

An old man is walking on the golf course towards the next hole

when a frog jumps up on his shoulder and starts talking to him about

the politics of the day and the latest in sports and the latest in current

events and then the frog says --if you kiss me I'll turn into a beautiful

princess and we'll have the most fantastic sex.

The old man turns to the frog and says-- at this time in my life I think

I'd rather have a talking frog.


So, so, sad...

[PhantomOnTour]

Last night I went to my favorite bar dressed like a chicken.
Low and behold, I met a woman who was dressed as an egg.
Go figure...anyway, little did we know, but we were about to solve one of life's greatest mysteries:

It was the chicken