HUMOR

[Marshall Bennett]

Originally Posted by ReplayRandall

I need to re-home a dog. It's a small terrier and it tends to bark a lot.

If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over my neighbor's fence and get it for you...

[Half Smoke]

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it's the World Premiere...............it's alive with the spirit of the future
at 1:41 don't miss the swivel seats - swing you in and swing you out

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YouTube

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believe it or not after watching this I really wanted that car
if it was being sold near me I prolly would've bought it




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[Dave Schwartz]

PEEING ON MY FLOWERS

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. " Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know.

Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.

Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing ."OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."

[Tom]

If you are swimming in the ocean and a sharks attacks, just punch in the snout with your fist and he should go away.

If he doesn't, then poke him in the eye with your stump.

[Stevecsd2]

[boxcar]

I can not shop at Costco anymore.

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, who weighs 191 lbs.

I was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had - an elephant? So, because I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.

I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet, and that the way that it works is to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, so it works well, and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant, and a car hit me!

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard. Costco won’t let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends...it will be their laugh for the day!

[PhantomOnTour]

There once was a guy named Stanley Shitsmith who, as you can imagine, was teased incessantly about his name.
He couldn't take it anymore and finally decided to change his name.

He filed all the paperwork but needed a court order to finalize the process. On his day in court he spoke with the judge:

JUDGE: why do you want to change your name, Mr Shitsmith?
STANLEY: well, isn't it obvious your honor? I'm tired of beind made fun of
because of my name
JUDGE: makes sense to me. I'll sign the order allowing the name change.
STANLEY: thank you very much your honor
JUDGE: have you thought of what you would like your new name to be?
STANLEY: yes i have sir. From this day on I'd like to be known as
Steven Shitsmith.

[BIG RED]

test

[TJDave]

An Indecent Proposal:

Samantha came home from a date, rather sad.
She told her mother, "David proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell."
"Marry him anyway,” Her mom replied. “Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

[TJDave]

An Italian man said, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end."
The Frenchman boasted, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over wiz butter. We zen made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes."
The Jewish man said, "Well, last week my wife and I also had sex. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz. We made love, and she screamed for over six hours."
The other two were stunned. The amazed Frenchman asked, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?"

"I wiped my hands on the bedspread."...

[Dave Schwartz]

Not a single Humor post in 3 weeks!
I'll start.

Being Amish my son and I were visiting a mall for the first time. We were amazed by almost everything we saw, but especially by two shiny, silver doors that moved apart and back together again.

My son asked, “What is this, Father?” and having never been to a mall myself, I responded “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”

We stood watching in amazement, watching wide-eyed. Just then an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving doors and pressed a button. The doors opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room and the doors closed behind her. My son and I watched as small numbered circles lit up above the doors. 1-2-3-2-1

The doors opened up again and a beautiful young woman stepped out. Immediately I said, “Quick son, go get your mother!”

[TJDave]

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center.

After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show- Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.

"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.

"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.

"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting

"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.

The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.

A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.

They were hypnotized.

And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!

The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"

"SHIT" said Claude…………



It took them three days to clean and sanitize the Senior Citizens' Center.

Claude was never invited back.

[Zydeco]

First time I got divorced....I had just taken a shower....came into the bedroom and I said " I feel like a new man" She said " so do I"

[Half Smoke]

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movie is from '89_________perfect for this forum

the mutual teller is really good at math
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YouTube

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[Dave Schwartz]

Love this scene.

movie is from '89_________perfect for this forum

the mutual teller is really good at math

Did he adjust for the reduced payout?